Reviews of Stuff I Haven't Seen

Joe Lavin's Humor Column

Reviews of Stuff I Haven't Seen

July 11, 2000

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The Patriot -- Here we go again with yet another Mel Gibson epic. As I was sitting in my apartment not watching this film, I couldn't help but think that Mel Gibson films would be a lot more entertaining if Mel Gibson didn't have to star in them. You would think by now that they would have found someone else to do them.

This one is sort of like that other Mel Gibson epic that I also didn't see, the one where his face is painted blue and there seems to be an awful lot of shouting. While The Patriot looks like it has just as much shouting, Gibson's face here is at least not blue. That's about as much good that can be said for this movie. Still, if you like this sort of historically inaccurate crap, I heartily recommend that you see it. At two hours and 40 minutes, it's a shoo-in for an Oscar, thus ensuring that I'll never ever see it.

Gone in 60 Seconds -- Gone in 60 seconds? If you ask me, that's 60 seconds too long for this overrated waste of good film stock. All I have to say is this: Boy, am I ever glad I didn't have to see this one!

Shaft -- This is clearly the best of the films that I haven't bothered to see. Samuel L. Jackson gives a rousing performance as Shaft, so stirring a performance in fact that I almost went to see it, but my roommate and I were kind of tired that night, and to be honest we just couldn't get our act together. We may still see it, but then again it's probably easier just to rent something instead. It's an awful lot of effort to go to the movie theater, you know.

Me, Myself, and Irene -- Really, the only way this could have been any worse is if I had actually deigned to sit through it. I'd rather not talk about it.

Battlefield Earth -- Now, here's a film that I definitely want to see, but sadly in most theaters the opening credits of this John Travolta/scientology movie weren't even over before it had disappeared. In the words of Roger Ebert, "Battlefield Earth is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It's not merely bad; it's unpleasant in a hostile way."

Travolta is on the left According to Elvis Mitchell of The New York Times, "It may be a bit early to make such judgments, but Battlefield Earth may well turn out to be the worst movie of this century."

Now, when you read reviews like that, how can you not want to rush out and see the film? After all, bad like this only comes around once in a great while. I don't know about you, but I'll be lining up at the video store for this one.

Roger Ebert and the Movies -- As is typical of the genre, this involves two people arguing about movies. What's worse is that both of them have seen the films they review. Well, what fun is that? How predictable! How banal! How so very twentieth century! What this show needs more than anything is a critic who hasn't actually seen the movies, a critic who won't be tethered by mere facts, a critic who may not even know what the hell he's talking about when it comes to movies.

As I write this, Roger Ebert is busy looking for a permanent co-host. Here's hoping he does the right thing and finally chooses someone who doesn't plan to watch any of the films he reviews. Hey, Rog, I think I have the perfect candidate in mind.

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