August 3, 2004
Attention: I Have Ceased to Care about Rick Pitino
I would like to announce that I no longer care about Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino. For those who insist on e-mailing me about him, let me be perfectly clear. Stop. Sure, I haven't always been this indifferent. Several years ago, when he was coaching the Boston Celtics, I even cared enough to write some nasty reviews of his books, but that was only a brief moment of interest. Soon, I returned to my normal state of Pitino apathy.
It has been years since I even watched a basketball game that was coached by him, yet about every month one of my Pitino articles shows up on a basketball message board. It doesn't help either that when you type "Rick Pitino lose" into Google, my site comes up first. (My site also shows up first when you search for "Nymphomaniacs British Columbia," but that's another story.) And so, for the past several years, I have been getting all sorts of crazy e-mails about Coach Pitino, like this recent missive from Redcardsfan:
"You are an IDIOT and a stupid man. If your ever in Louisville look me up, I would love to beat your ass sometime. I hope you die and put your nine readers that you have out of their misery!!!"
Unfortunately, Redcardsfan did not give me his real name, so I will be unable to look him up for my ass beating should I ever have any reason to be in Louisville. And, for the record, I happen to have well over a dozen readers, thank you very much.
While a death wish for silly little humor column about Rick Pitino seems a bit unwarranted, it is not uncommon. Strangely, it is not just the Pitino fans that bother me. For example, MadKentucky wasn't angry that I had criticized Coach Pitino. No, he was angry because I hadn't criticized him enough. I think I was being sarcastic, but apparently I once referred to Pitino as "brilliant."
"JUST REREAD YOUR TAKE ON RICK PITINO AND HIS BOOKS! ONE BIG GLARING MISTAKE IN THE ARTICLE----THE POINT WHERE pitino WAS REFERRED TO AS A BRILLIANT COACH--"W-R-O-N-G"! rick pitino IS AN ADEQUATE COACH @ BEST, THERE ARE AT LEAST 10/ 15 COACHIMG TODAY THAT MATCH pitino HEAD TO HEAD!"
Why, thank you for your input, MadKentucky, as well as your interesting use of capitalization. Imagine how excited I would be if, that is, I actually cared about Rick Pitino anymore. I'm thinking of having a dinner party and inviting both MadKentucky and Redcardsfan. I'm sure they would really hit it off, or at least hit something.
Speaking of things that I no longer care about, I also have no interest at all in the now defunct but still disgusting Orbitz drink, a drink that actually featured little floating gelatin balls. My 1997 column about this ("Orbitz: The Drink with Balls") is for some reason my most read column ever. And for those who write to me every month about it, I would just like to say, "No, I have no idea where you can find Orbitz, nor do I particularly care."
Oh, and to Jlyne who wanted to enlist my help in finding a bottle of Orbitz so that he could "get extra credit in physics," you're obviously not in the honors class, are you? Why am I not surprised when you write, "im flunking really badly"? And what kind of a teacher actually gives out extra credit in exchange for a drink anyway? Okay, don't answer that.
To be honest, I no longer care about many things that I once wrote about. For example, I do not care about teenie beanie babies, Tickle me Elmo, or "Temptation Island," that stellar Fox reality show of a few years ago. In my column about the show, I dubbed it "Prostitution Island," which is why if you type "cheap prostitutes" into Google, my site is listed first. Are you feeling lucky? As you can imagine, my family and friends are quite proud.
©2004 Joe Lavin
August 27, 2003
My Night as a Talking Head
Just about every American dreams about being on television. I do too, but the dreams tend to be nightmares. When I see someone with a television camera, I do my best to get away. I can't think of anything worse than having to talk on television. And so it was with trepidation that I accepted an invitation to be on Sports Pulse on CN8, an obscure Boston cable channel that I had never even heard of. ( More.... )