Joe Lavin

September 1, 2005

From Boston Sports Review

NFL Training Camp News

Philadelphia Eagles Team Accountant Jack "Digits" McGee reportedly called in sick for work on Monday. It is thought that McGee may be upset at the prospect of having to recalculate Terrell Owens' salary figures after thinking he had finished the whole damn thing last year. Sources close to the accountant indicate that McGee would like to be compensated for all the extra work on the Owens salary project and does not plan to show up for work until he is given such compensation. Either that, or he's really sick.

The San Diego Chargers have fired their Choreography Coordinator, Elden Maxwell. "Our end zone celebrations are just not up to the rest of the league. Other teams have elaborate routines involving cell phones and pantomime disrobing, and all we've got is some guy spiking the ball. It's time for a change," a team spokesperson said.

The NFL announced this week a radical change to its drug testing policy. Effective immediately, players will be allowed to use any performance enhancing drugs they want provided that they use an equal number of performance de-enhancing drugs. "It's all about balance," commissioner Paul Tagliabue told reporters. "We just want to make sure there's an even playing field. If instead of working out you get stoned to the gills in the off season, we feel it's only right that you're allowed to compensate for that." The league introduced a complex sliding scale that will allow an admitted marijuana user like Randy Moss to inject a small amount of steroids each year, while Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams will be allowed to raid Jose Canseco's private steroid stash to make up for his past marijuana use.

Dallas Cowboys season ticket holder Ernie McCormick held a press conference on Friday to announce that he is woefully underpaid in his job as a meat packer. Other meat packers are making twice as much as him, and he feels that this is grossly unfair. While he stressed that he would continue in his job and continue attending Cowboy games, he felt that he just could no longer go on without making his concerns public. His employer had no comment.

The Cincinnati Bengals have just signed 34-year-old office worker Michael Brent to play quarterback. While Brent has never played football at any level, the Bengals are confident that the Assistant Regional Sales Manager can flourish in the NFL based on his recent personality tests. "We have never seen such high scores," a Bengals official said. "He has the exact same personality type as Joe Montana, Tom Brady, and Terry Bradshaw. Sure, he can't throw a spiral, but we can teach him that." Brent, who can run a 40-yard dash in 17.8 seconds, is looking forward to the challenge and believes his extensive Madden NFL experience will help in the major adjustment from sales to football.

Fox's new reality show So You Think You Can Do an End Zone Dance? was the most-watched program last week. The winner will become starting wide receiver of the Oakland Raiders, effective immediately, as well as host of the new show So You Think You Can Annoy Middle America?

Due to its immense popularity, the NFL Network announced plans for two new spin-off channels, NFL Offense and NFL Defense, focusing on offensive and defensive game film. A third network NFL Salary will focus exclusively on news about contract holdouts but will not be on the air until its head of programming ends his holdout.

Packer Tight End Mark Horn's announcement that he will be holding out until given a new contract coincidentally coincided with his agent's purchase of a second summer home. In an embarrassing snafu, Horn's agent accidentally faxed the paperwork for a second mortgage to the Packers and Horn's contract proposal to the First Bank of Wisconsin. No progress has been made on Horn's contract, although the First Bank of Wisconsin has called to offer him a no-fee checking account.

In other news, several teams played actual football games over the weekend. Some teams won. Others did not. And a naked actress appeared in a commercial with a star quarterback. Film at eleven.

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December 28, 2004
NFL Playoff Scenarios
The final week of the NFL season is upon us, and like most sports fans I'm overjoyed. Well, actually, it's not the football I love. I may not even watch any of the games this weekend. No, what I like is the math. I'm talking, of course, about all the arcane playoff possibilities and tiebreakers that are such a part of each NFL season. For some reason, I have always loved figuring out all the different playoff scenarios. (More...)