"Oh my God! Oh my God! They win it! They win it! Number one has fallen! East Central Montana State University for the Blind has toppled the number one seed on a Hail Mary no look three pointer from half court! I can't believe it! This is amazing! Back to the studio!"
"Thanks, Billy. Pat Tyler back at Hoop Central in New York along with our gurus Dick Mazzini and Tiger Morgan. And as we enter our 46th consecutive hour of basketball on CBS, how about them Fighting Seeing Eye Dogs of East Central Montana State University for the Blind? A number 16 seed! Nobody thought they belonged here, but, Dick, they sure proved everyone wrong."
"Oh, Baby!"
"Thanks, Dick. And now let's head out to Salt Lake City where the Golden Geckos of Garden State are down by one point to the Kegmen of Fuller. Sammy Miller, take it away."
"Pat, bedlam has broken out in Salt Lake. Just moments ago, the Geckos were down by 46 points, but they have fought back. Now down by one point with 0.00001 second left, the Geckos are ready to inbound. This could be the greatest comeback in the history of basketball. This is what basketball is all about! ... And the Kegmen call a time-out. Back to the studio."
"Thanks, Sammy. Time now to take a look at the Taco Bell Hoop Central Scoreboard. A big game in the Midwest region, where Duquette loses in the first round for the fourth consecutive year. Tiger, what's happened to this once proud program?"
"Well, it's this whole making players go to class thing. They can't do that no more. No one else does. This is the nineties. If Duquette wants to play nineties ball, they gotta move into the nineties!"
"Meanwhile, in the Southeast, the number one seed Decker State cruises 101 to 56. A key stat in this game: Tommy Baylor, in his first game back from the Statutory Rape suspension, scores 38 points for the Demons. Tonight, nobody could stop him from scoring. Dick, any thoughts?"
"Oh, Baby!"
"Thanks, Dick. Now back to Salt Lake."
"Pat, the Geckos are down to just one prayer, as they hope to beat the Kegmen for the first time ever. The crowd is on its feet. This is the moment when champions are made, when boys become men, when the cream rises to the top, when the great ones become even more better! This is what basketball is all about! ... And the Geckos spend their last time-out. Back to the studio."
"Thanks, Sammy. And another look at the Taco Bell Hoop Central Scoreboard. We move to the Midwest where Pinehurst wins a close one 62 to 61. But not all is peachy for the Pine Needles. With 12:04 to go in the second half, they lose their Freshman sensation Dale Thomas, who was forced to leave the game after being arrested for murdering a fan. Tiger, tough break for the Pine Needles, huh?"
"Well, you hate to see that happen, especially to a young player. But he's just a Freshman. He'll mature. He'll learn. I'm not saying he won't kill more people, but I'm telling you Dale Thomas is gonna be an NBA All Star. You have to look at the big picture."
"You think we might see some rule changes here?"
"No doubt about it, Pat. All these suspensions for violent crimes, it's hurting the game. Thomas gets a two game suspension. That's ridiculous. It's unfair to the fans. It's unfair to the players. I say, let them play! They're players. Let 'em play!"
"Dick, do you agree?"
"Oh, Baby!"
"Okay and now back to Salt Lake for the final play."
"Okay, Pat, Geckos ready to inbound. This is the most exciting moment I have ever witnessed in my entire life. If I die now, I will have lived a full life. Miller getting ready to inbound. Passes to Gumby. Puts it up! It's gooooooooood! Oh my God! Oh my God! Geckos win! Geckos win! Geckos win! Aaaaaaaaaaargghhhhhhhhh!"
©1996 Joe Lavin