Joe Lavin

Over the course of the 2005 season, I was given unprecedented access to the entire Red Sox operation. Along with a key to Fenway Park, John Henry even gave me my own desk at Fenway and occasional tasks to make me feel as if I belonged, such as photocopying, data entry, changing the water bottle, and picking up Tom Werner's dry cleaning. As Henry told me, "We feel it's important for us to remain completely open as an organization, which is why we have chosen to give you unfettered access. Oh, by the way, I wanted these double-sided. Can you copy them again?"

Meanwhile, on the field, the Red Sox were picking up where they left off at the end of the 2004 season. Unfortunately, my unfettered access did not include admission to the games themselves, although my position in the office did allow me the chance to roam freely around the ballpark during my lunch break, if I wasn't too far behind on data entry. Sometimes too, Curt Schilling would use my computer to post to Internet message boards during the day, and I was able to leave my desk then.

From the start of the season, it was obvious that the aftermath of the World Series victory was causing problems. Certain players were accused of celebrating a little too much, and many in the administrative offices did so as well. George in human resources soon began referring to 2005 as "the hangover year," though that had less to do with the World Series victory than with the fact that he had started going out drinking after work every night. Another prominent member of the accounting team was featured in photographs e-mailed across the office showing him in the arms of a gorgeous college student who was not his wife. However, it was later determined that he had doctored the photos himself and had sent them in an attempt to impress the other men in the office.

By the middle of the season, the atmosphere had already grown tense. Some of the accountants became visibly upset that they weren't given more accounting time and that the office manager seemed intent on passing along the juiciest projects to more seasoned staff. And then came the Munchkin incident of July 23rd. That was the day when Tammy from human resources brought Munchkins into the office. At first, everyone was in good spirits, but by 9:30 someone had taken all the good Munchkins, leaving only plain ones. The office was soon consumed with the quest to discover who had eaten all the good Munchkins.

"Larry Lucchino's a good man. I don't know why he always gets blamed for these things. Oh, you weren't blaming Larry for eating the Munchkins? Sorry, my bad." Charles Steinberg later told me.

By then, I was allowed access to the clubhouse on alternate Fridays, if I finished my spreadsheets for Bill James on time. There, I spoke with many of the players, including Kevin Millar who told me, "#$%$ the %&#^&^% you %@^&!# !@#%!" David Ortiz added, "What up &!#$*$. Let's $#@# %$&& with the %$##." Manny Ramirez, meanwhile, mistook me for one of the owners and asked if he could be traded. I told him I wasn't an owner, but then I offered him some candy, and he seemed happy.

While I enjoyed my time in the locker room, by now I had my own projects to work on. I was busy transcribing the text of all the Nomar Garciaparra phone calls that the team had secretly bugged from 2001 to 2004. Unfortunately, it turns out that Nomar doesn't say anything interesting in private either, but the club was still hoping to make some big money selling the transcripts on eBay.

Meanwhile, tension was growing between Theo Epstein and Larry Lucchino. Once, when I was going to the men's room, I ran into both in the hallway. By now, the former mentor-protégé combo were just glaring at each other. Theo was all like yo, why you staring at me. And Larry was all like yeah why you always lying about me. And Theo was all like I didn't lie about you, why are you always stabbing me in the back. And Larry was all like I made you, I can stab you in the back whenever I want.

"Sometimes, Larry is just so misunderstood. It's not fair," Charles Steinberg later told me. "Oh, could you hold on? I've got Shaughnessy on the other line. I have to take this," he added.

I would have stayed to hear the rest of the argument, but unfortunately my 15-minute break was almost over, and I needed to get back. John Henry had a special assignment for me. He wouldn't tell me what it was, but he said there might be some database work involved, if I were lucky. I couldn't wait.

Or buy it from Amazon by clicking here! You know you want to.