Recently, I was writing a silly review of Success is a Choice, a book by basketball coach Rick Pitino. The book is all about the importance of working hard, and as you would expect my review was mostly about the importance of not working very hard at all. Coach Pitino suggested numerous tactics for success such as getting to work a half hour early so you can get your social conversations out of the way and really concentrate on your job when the workday begins. And in my review, I suggested numerous ideas such as the fact that Coach Pitino is a complete dweeb who really shouldn't be writing books at all.
But here's the strange thing. Writing this article about laziness was extremely hard work. For several nights, I stayed up past two, pushing myself as hard as I could so that my article about laziness was the best damn article about laziness that I could write. Somehow, I became the hardest working writer writing about laziness that there ever was.
That's the story of my life. I work hard at being lazy. I am driven to be mellow. I stress over being relaxed. My goal is to be as laid back as possible, but it's not easy. I have to work at it. In high school, my compulsive side turned me into a worried nerd. Now, I use that same compulsive energy to ensure I am as calm as possible. These days, about the only time I'm worried is when I start to worry whether I'll still be worried about all the things I used to worry about.
"Stop worrying!" I then yell at myself with a worried tone to snap out of it.
I have tried all my life not to be organized, but it never works. A few years ago, I got sick of keeping all my tapes in alphabetical order. My friends kept mocking me for being so organized, so I finally decided to do something wild. No longer would I keep my albums in alphabetical order. One afternoon I mixed up all my tapes, so they weren't in any order at all. To this day, I am still proud that my music is completely unordered.
"Oh damn, Edwyn Collins and Cornershop are getting close to each other. I better rearrange them. Don't want people thinking I'm organized."
Even on old temp jobs, I would be responsible. I wanted to be a complete slacker, but instead the moment someone asked for something, politeness would take over. I never wanted to be a helpful temp, but I couldn't help it. I would still worry to death whether a photocopying job should be stapled or paper clipped. I would hate myself for caring so much about the details, but I was a good temp whether I liked it or not.
I can't even bask in the glory of indifference when I'm late. Whenever I have an appointment, I usually spend the entire day worried about being on time. I'll be all set to leave a half hour early when I think, "Wait. I don't wanna show up a half hour early. Only responsible, boring people show up a half hour early. Laid back people like myself shouldn't be early." And so I start to do something else, just to waste away those extra minutes.
This is, of course, the point when I become obsessed with my time wasting activity. Before I know it, I am so engrossed in it that suddenly I am late for my appointment. I usually arrive huffing and puffing like a haggard madman. "Wow. Look at Joe. He's so laid back." is the last thing the world is thinking.
All this almost makes me want to give up, but then I realize I'm no quitter. After all, Coach Pitino says you can succeed in anything you want just by working hard. Well, Coach, I want to be lazy, mellow, and laid back. With enough hard work and perseverance, I just know I can do it.
©1997 Joe Lavin