September 11, 2007
(New!) Google Stalk
As the premier Internet search company, Google, Inc. has long been the source for all your stalking needs. Now, Google has consolidated its stalking services into one simple yet powerful interface called Google Stalk.
With this new service, let Google's innovative search technologies work for you. Google Stalk will help you discover all you need to know about your latest obsession(s), including addresses, phone numbers, employment history, and what they like to wear at night. Is your crush dating someone else? Google Stalk can tell you in seconds. It can even provide details on your competition for you to casually drop into conversation. ("Wow, it's a shame about Derek's outstanding warrant in the state of Kentucky. Hey, are you doing anything Friday?") And, unlike stalking services from Yahoo and MSN, our algorithm is so good we don't need to know the name of your crush.
Like all Google products, Google Stalk is completely free. All our revenue comes from keyword advertising on your crush's computer, through the use of our patented Google Spyware software.
The Google Stalk family of products also includes these powerful services:
Google Date - When looking for that special someone, there is no better way than with our new dating site Google Date. You already google the people you meet on other online dating services. Now, with Google Date, you can find your perfect match and check for incriminating evidence all in just a few clicks. In order to help you find a mate, our patented keyword technology will also find people who like to search for the same things as you. Note: We know what you were searching for last night, so you might want to turn this feature off for awhile.
Personalized Street View - Our street view service lets you zoom in on addresses and look at high quality, panoramic photos. Until now, it has only worked in certain cities like New York and San Francisco. With Personalized Street View, however, type in any address, and we will automatically send out the Google Photo Van to photograph the site. You decide how detailed a photo you want and how long to keep the van there. Note: A special junk food surcharge may apply to any stakeouts lasting more than three hours.
Web History 2.0 - Web History is a great way to find past Google searches, but so far it has been limited only to your searches. What good is that? You already know what you were googling. With version 2.0, search automatically through the web history of other people such as your spouse, your boss, or that person in the coffee shop you have been eyeing for the last half-hour. In conjunction with our enhanced Google Desktop service, you can now search other people's computers too.
Google Lost - Use our new GPS service on any wireless device, and we'll automatically show you where you are on a Google Map. Never be lost again with Google. After all, sometimes,
Google Safe Deposit Box - Anything good you find can automatically be stored in your Safe Deposit Box, along with your passwords and social security number. No matter where you are, all this information can be accessed easily with just one convenient password, which is "password." Google takes your privacy seriously. Google will never divulge any of your private information, only the private information of those you are stalking.
Google Suspect - Whenever searching somebody else's computer, check out our new "Report Suspicious Behavior" flag. Use this flag anytime you see questionable content that you would like to report to the authorities. When we said our motto was "don't be evil," we meant it.
©2007 Joe Lavin