Joe Lavin

December 2005

From Boston Sports Review

Tacky Gifts for the Boston Sports Fan

Buying Christmas presents is never easy, especially for the rabid sports fan in your life. Of course, it's simple to get just any sports gift. What takes real skill is to find a truly tacky one. Luckily, with the Internet, that's becoming easier than ever. Here are some of the truly tacky ones available this holiday season.

Boston Celtics 1989 Home Used Warm-up Shorts, $0.95 and rising

Yes, there is quite a business online for anything game-used. Not only can you buy an athlete's old gym shorts, now you can buy an athlete's old gym shorts that have been unwashed for sixteen years. Larry Bird may not be walking through that door anytime soon, but his gym shorts just might be.

New England Patriots Dog Bandana, $8.95

Because not only are you smart enough to be a Patriots fan, your dog is too.

Hunting with David Wells and Kirk Gibson, prices start at $3,000

This can be found at David Well's personal web site. It's the perfect present for anyone who likes to hunt, unless that person also happens to have called 'EEI to complain about David Wells this year, in which case you might not want to send him on a hunting trip with David Wells, during which time Boomer will be carrying a rifle.

Boston Bruins Wedding Toss Garter, $34.95

Always make sure that your favorite hockey team is a part of your special day.

2004 Red Sox World Series Championship Sod, $150

Actually, the Sox were selling this last summer, so they may have run out. Then again, if there's enough demand, I'm sure they'll just make more ... authentic 2004 World Series Championship sod. Yes, for the price of just two beers and a pretzel at the ballpark, your lawn can now contain a piece of Fenway. Interestingly, it is usually a different kind of grass that sells for this much -- coincidentally the same kind being smoked by anyone willing to pay $150 for used sod -- but it is heartening to see that the Red Sox are finally coming out of their shell and trying to make some money off their success.

New England Patriots, 10-Karat 3-Time Championship Ring, $699.99

You may have watched every single game of each championship year, but, sorry, you still don't get to wear a championship ring. Please put the ring down. Note: Special discount available for Russian Presidents.

Membership in Red Sox Nation, $10

I suppose you already thought you belonged to Red Sox Nation, but you're just a poseur until you have given the Red Sox $10 for a membership card. I joined mainly because it included online audio to all baseball games, but frankly I'm a little embarrassed. I don't carry the card with me, because if I ever get into an accident and someone has to go through my wallet to find my identity, I don't want to be defined solely by my attachment to the Red Sox. (You know, I do have other interests, like for example football.) Also, I sometimes travel through New York.

There is also a $10 Kid's Red Sox Nation card, which seems especially sinister. How exactly is a parent supposed to say no when a child asks for this? "No, son, you can't be a part of Kid's Red Sox Nation. It looks like you'll just have to be a Yankee fan instead." You could really scar a kid for life like that.

Boston Bruins Belly Ring, $7.99

For the love of humanity, we stress that this is designed for women. Men, it is not meant to accompany that giant Bruins logo you plan to paint on your bare, hairy chest for your next Bruins home game.

Sox Tease Shirts, $18

Okay, this one might not be so bad. These are simply cute shirts with flirty slogans designed to fit women, and some of the them are pretty funny, including, "I'd Go Wicked Fah with Millah," "Ortiz? Yes please," and "I'm Hot for Trot." However, it does take a special fan indeed to wear the "I'd Do Porn With Mark Bellhorn" t-shirt. No matter where Mark Bellhorn ends up next year, there's no way he will ever find such an, um, dedicated fan base as in Boston.

©2005 Joe Lavin

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