Joe Lavin

Thankfully, if you're reading this, you've survived Black Friday, that harrowing day after Thanksgiving when your local television news suddenly turns into a giant infomercial for the Xbox 360, or whatever else has been deemed the must-have toy of the season. "Tonight on Action News at 6, Saddam Hussein has escaped from prison, a giant squid attacks New York, and the aliens have begun their invasion of Planet Earth, but our top story tonight: Black Friday. Our Action News I-Team is live at the mall to show you how you can snare one of these hot little Xboxes for yourself."

Black Friday gets its name because traditionally that's the day retailers start making a profit for the year, which is about 36 days ahead of the rest of us. Now, Black Friday has begat something called Cyber Monday, which I didn't really know about until I turned on the TV early yesterday morning. Apparently, this is the first workday after Thanksgiving when consumers spend the entire day shopping at online retailers from the convenience of their office.

This is to be followed by Pink Slip Tuesday and Credit Card Wednesday, that day in January when all the bills come due. Actually, I don't believe that Cyber Monday really exists. I think what happened is that all the news networks realized that they had taken so much money from the Xbox people that they really needed to devote another day of programming to it. Cyber Monday is the best excuse they could come up with.

I don't know about most consumers, but Black Friday is at least the day all TV reporters do their shopping. The idea seems to be that since they're at the mall anyway, they might as well bring along a camera crew too. In fact, it's entirely possible that the only people in the malls on Black Friday are members of the media reporting on all the people in the malls on Black Friday. I might be wrong, but at one point on Friday I think I saw somebody from Channel 7 interviewing somebody from Channel 5 about all the long lines.

But, wait, there's more. Every year on Black Friday, we also get to see that exciting video from some Wal-Mart somewhere where the doors open at 5 a.m. and some poor soul in line falls and is trampled by all the other crazy shoppers. I call it the Running of the Mad Morning People. It's great stuff, although as it's the same video each year, I'm a little skeptical that any of it's real. ("Okay, from the top again, everyone. Bobby Sue, great job trampling the old lady, but this time without the empathy, okay? And, action.")

On the other hand, there are many people in this world just crazy enough to run over somebody for a Barbie doll, so it's tough to tell. Essentially, this video runs during the "News to make you smile" part of the newscast, since the people watching television on this day are the same ones who were smart enough to stay home. There's nothing quite like watching somebody get trampled to death in Wal-Mart to make you feel better about spending a lazy morning in bed.

Frankly, it's tough to take any of this seriously. How exactly does a gadget become the must-have gadget of the season anyway? How do we reach the point where you'll suddenly become a bad parent, if you don't buy your child whatever has been chosen as the hot toy of the season? Sure, the Xbox looks great, but why choose that over hundreds of other gadgets? Obviously, it's less about quality than about which device gets the most buzz from the media.

I'm not blaming the media entirely. Marketers, after all, know exactly which of their buttons to push. One gets the feeling that with just a little marketing anyone can create a must-have toy. Just announce that you've built the coolest toy ever, but, because of supply problems, there's only one version of it in the whole world, and it's going on sale at the local Wal-Mart for $99.99 between five and seven a.m. on Black Friday. Before you know it, people will be lining up around the block just to get whatever it is you're selling.

"We're live at the Glenview Mall, where moments ago 26 people fought to the death for something called a transmogrifier. So far, this hot new toy appears to be just a cardboard box, but our Action News I-Team is checking to see what it actually does." By the time, all your supply problems are mysteriously solved a week later and you've placed your gadget in every store, the entire country will be throwing their money at you.

And then, if you're lucky, you might even be able to use your profits to buy an Xbox 360, provided that your local TV reporters haven't bought them all first.

©2005 Joe Lavin