May 3, 2005
Make It a Betty Crocker Week
There's nothing like having a good mold for lunch. If this one doesn't strike your fancy, there's also Molded Garden Salad, Cheese Mold with Fruit, or Jellied Fruit Medley. What's that? None of these strike your fancy. Well, that's just communist talk, that is.
1 pound of ground beef 1 tbsp minced onion, 1/2 cup milk, 1 tsp salt, 1/4 tsp pepper 1 cup Wheaties
"Mix together…. Place on lightly greased pan, pat into shape of T-bone steak. Broil. Serve immediately"-- you know, before your guests notice that you're trying to pass off a giant hamburger as steak.
I originally read this as Last Minute Date Ruptures, which would be something entirely different.
"Make up chicken, turkey, or ham sandwich. Dip into beaten egg. Brown on both sides in butter in hot heavy skillet…. Serve piping hot." Try to eat lunch early today, so that you can schedule your heart attack for the afternoon and still be home in time for your evening Scotch.
"Always a favorite, hot or cold. To cook:
1. Wash thoroughly. 2. Simmer until tender. 3. When just cool enough to handle, remove excess connective tissue, bones, and skin." 4. Throw whole thing into trash when you realize that -- for Christ's Sake -- you were about to eat a cow's tongue! 5. Order pizza if you've got any appetite left.
These are just like coconut macaroons, "except in place of 2 1/2 cups coconut, use 2 cups Wheaties and 1 cup coconut." Coincidentally enough, both Wheaties and Betty Crocker happen to be owned by General Mills.
"Dip slices of bread into Fritter Batter and fry in deep fat until brown." Have as many slices as you want. If the French Toasted Sandwich didn't already kill you yesterday, then you'll probably live through this too.
"Follow chicken salad recipe, except, in place of the chicken, use cut-up cooked veal." After the meal, let your guests in on the secret and all share a good laugh. You prankster, you.
Here's another exciting mold, featuring gelatin, shredded cabbage, celery, pimentos, and sweet pickles. Note: perfection sold separately.
Here's some fruit gelatin with a twist. Instead of using boiling water and fruit juice to make the gelatin, use hot strong coffee. Oh, and omit the fresh fruit. Would you like some coffee with your coffee jelly?
Everyone loves bread, especially if it's sweetened. Hey, wait a minute. Why does it say, "remove membranes" in the recipe? What are sweetbreads anyway? Pancreas??? You know, maybe I'll just pick up something on the way to work.
Trust us, you don't even want to know what we've replaced the veal with this time.
"Prepare same as Sweetbreads. Especially good with scrambled eggs or spaghetti." Or crack.
Screw dessert. After all the internal organs, it's time for a stiff drink.
Prepare pancakes normally, but fold in one cup of Wheaties at the last minute. Have I mentioned the Wheaties - Betty Crocker connection yet?
After last night's dinner, liver will seem like a treat. Mexican Liver is just like regular liver, except that by adding chili powder the dish instantly becomes Mexican.
Just add chili powder, and suddenly your Wheaties are Mexican too, all thanks to that ingenious Betty Crocker. Thanks, Betty.
©2005 Joe Lavin
The Carbohydrate Producers of America
First of all, I just want to say how honored I am to have been named the first President of the Carbohydrate Producers of America. We may be a new organization, but we are much needed. This is clearly a difficult time for those of us in the carbohydrate business. Our stock prices have fallen. Our customers have deserted us. And our products are growing stale on supermarket shelves. Still, like you, I am proud to make carbohydrates for a living. ( More... )