Things looked dire, but thankfully Xena showed up on the dial to rescue me. In case, you don't know much about Xena, Warrior Princess, that's okay. Neither do I. As far as I can tell, she does lots of back flips, kicks ass regularly, and wears the same Victoria Secret's steel push up breast plate every week. We are talking high quality, Peabody Award winning television here. Move over Masterpiece Theater. Xena has arrived.
I think the show's set in ancient Greek or Rome, but I only know this because Hercules shows up occasionally. (By the way, Hercules has his own TV gig which I also plan to review.) Sadly, I've never seen more than five minutes of Xena. It's not that I have my pride. I don't. I'd watch it for an entire hour, if I could remember when it's on. It's just that I always end up seeing only the last five minutes of each episode.
But what a beautiful and exciting five minutes they are. My favorite five minutes took place two weeks ago. Apparently, the villain that week was a giant, nasty, scary bird. (Imagine an angry Big Bird with half his feathers plucked out, and you have the proper mental image.) It looked like bad things were about to happen, but luckily Xena was able to save the day. Xena managed to defeat this big, nasty, scary bird by jumping on top of the bird, riding the bird high up into the air, and stabbing the bird in mid flight. At this point, the bird and Xena fell hundreds of feet to the ground, but luckily Hercules, who was conveniently guest starring that week, was able to catch Xena before she fell to the earth. In the immortal words of Dave Barry, I am not making this up.
This week's five minutes weren't as exciting, but still overall a rousing tour de force of entertainment. Xena basically did a heck of a lot of backflips, kicked some guy's ass, involved herself ever so briefly in some plot, had a touching moment with a handsome guy in a tunic, caused the five year old daughter of the handsome guy in a tunic to speak for the very first time, and finally left town because Xena, after all, is a nomadic type of gal. "I'm sorry. I must keep moving, but having a husband and a family are things I never considered before meeting you, and for that I thank you." were her parting words to the handsome guy in the tunic. Or at least I think that's what she said. I could be wrong. I was rather enthralled by the beauty of the moment and forgot to take notes.
So I most definitely recommend Xena, Warrior Princess. You should all check your local listings and watch at least five minutes of it this week. Trust me.
Well, then again, maybe you shouldn't trust me. After all, I have very strange tastes. Really strange tastes. For example, a couple of week's back, I actually found myself flipping back and forth between The Newshour with Jim Lehrer on PBS and Singled Out, MTV's inane dating game. It was positively surreal.
"Later in the hour, we'll discuss the Zimbabwean-Moroccan Peace Accords with Secretary of State Warren Christopher, but first --"
CLICK.
"And Jenny, let's introduce the men."
"Well, Chris, I'm standing here with Biff. Ladies, take a look at those butt cheeks on Biff. Makes you almost want to squeeze --"
CLICK.
"Indeed, the socio-economic-political implications of the Zimbabwean Civil War are clearly a key factor in the future foreign aid evaluation by the Office of Budget Planning and --"
CLICK.
"Let's start with First Dates."
"Okay. First Dates. Just a goodnight kiss or take it all off, Miss?"
CLICK.
"And now for a look at how the Zimbabwean-Moroccan Civil War could affect the Federal Reserve's interest rates, here is Charlene Hunter --"
CLICK.
"Well, I'm feeling hot and sexy all over, so I'll take Making Up."
"Okay, the category is Making Up. Bake him a cookie or give him some --"
CLICK.
"I'm Jim Lehrer. For all of us at NewsHour, good night."
Yep, definitely disregard my opinion.
©1996 Joe Lavin