Urgent Business Proposal

Joe Lavin's Humor Column

Urgent Business Proposal

October 22, 2002


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To: MARIAM SESE-SEKO
Widow of the former Minister of Petroleum Resources
Nigeria

Subject: Urgent Business Proposal

It is with my profound dignity that I write to you in Nigeria with this very important and highly confidential letter. First, I must solicit your strictest secrecy in this transaction. I am Dick Cheney of the United States of America, and I have an URGENT and CONFIDENTIAL business proposal for you. Due to the arcane and reactionary "insider-trader" laws of the democratic country of the United States of America of which I am Vice-President, certain money that I have obtained in a completely respectable fashion is now in dispute. I assure you that said money was obtained in honorable transactions during my time as Chief Executive Officer of an American oil company and as a result of my secret business partnership and torrid love affair with Martha Stewart, of whom I am sure you are familiar.

We have acquired a huge reserve of money from our recent business transactions. However, by virtue of my high-ranking position in our government and a frivolous legal investigation against my colleague, we cannot acquire this money in our name. I was therefore delegated as a matter of urgency by my colleague to look for an overseas partner into whose account we would transfer the sum of 2,711,900,000.00 Nigerian Naira (equivalent to US$21,320,000.00.)

I have acquired your name from a mutual contact who assures me of your discretion and prior experience at transactions of this nature. I noticed on the Internet that you had been able to transfer the money of your late husband out of your country using a similar business model, and I hope, God-willing, that you can use your considerable expertise to assist us in our dire time of need.

I guarantee that this proposal is 100% risk-free, provided that you treat it with utmost secrecy and confidentiality. For your dutiful assistance in allowing this money to be deposited into your bank account, we would be happy to share some of the proceeds with you. For the temporary use of your bank account, we would be willing to offer to you 1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION) Nigerian Naira, as well as a lifetime subscription to Martha Stewart Living, which this month has a lovely cover feature on how to make homemade caramel-covered apples for Halloween. As one who has personally tasted Martha's caramel-covered apples many times, I know that you will not want to miss out.

Your urgent response will be highly appreciated to enable us to transfer the funds during this present quarter of the year 2002. Please use my hotmail account listed below to contact me, as other methods of contact may not be secure. I thank you for listening to my plea, and, if you are able to assist us, I implore upon you to contact me as soon as possible.

Thank you and God Bless.

Yours faithfully,

Dick Cheney
prezofvice46@hotmail.com


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