The Satellites Are Watching

Joe Lavin's Humor Column

From Computoredge

The Satellites Are Watching

September 7, 2001

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For years, the government has used satellites for espionage, but now you too can get in on the action. And there's more than just spying. We here at Eye in the Sky Inc. are committed to making your life more convenient and enjoyable with satellites. We'll let you use satellites for everything from spying on your neighbor to locating your car keys. Check out our programs below, and give us a call at 1-800-555-USPY. It's easy to sign up. You don't even need to give us your credit card number. Thanks to the satellites, we already know it.

Have you ever gotten hungry in the middle of your favorite TV show but couldn't remember what was in the fridge? Gone are the days of unnecessary trips to the kitchen only to find that you have nothing in the fridge but mayonnaise and seltzer water. Now, with our advanced satellite technology, you can use your cell phone to download a list of the exact contents of your refrigerator, without even leaving your couch. And, coming in 2002, our new line of cell phones will even go to the supermarket for you so that you won't have to.

Want to know what your employees are up to? Now, it's easier than ever with our new SlackerTracker system. Originally designed for parents to use on unruly teenagers, this revolutionary surveillance system is now available for our business clients as well.

Simply insert our special microchips under the skin of your employees, and you'll know exactly where they are at all times. When SlackerTracker arrives on the job, it's time for everyone to get to work. And don't for a second worry about your employee's rights. With every purchase, we'll include a free Constitutional Rights Waiver Form for them to sign.

Where in the world are you? Well, now you can know at any time with YouTracker, our newest GPS device. GPS devices were originally designed for hikers who wanted to know their exact location on hikes, but we noticed that many buying them were actually computer geeks who had no intention of going outside but just wanted a nifty new toy to play with.

And so our YouTracker is the first GPS device specially designed for those who don't like to go outside. So what if you don't go hiking? Sometimes you just need to know the exact coordinates of your couch. Impress your friends with this state-of-the-art gadget. Let YouTracker show them that you don't need to leave your apartment to be on the cutting edge of technology.

Now with extra blinking lights! Sure, they don't mean anything, but they certainly look like they could!

Ever wonder if your spouse is having an affair? Well, now you can know without having to hire a costly private detective. With SpouseTracker, you can easily track your spouse twenty-four hours a day. It's perfect for tracking other family members as well. It's like having LoJack for all your loved ones. And don't worry. If your spouse happens to be really boring and doesn't cheat on you, we'll let you track somebody else's spouse for free.

Where the heck are your keys? Now, you no longer have to waste precious minutes looking for them. Our extensive satellite network can help you find your keys no matter where you left them, even if they just happen to be in your pocket. We'll also help you find your remote control, sunglasses, and that one sock that always tries to escape whenever you do laundry.

Know where Dick Cheney is at any moment in case someone asks you an important policy question that you just can't get out of answering. No more flailing about incoherently while your aides rush to find the Vice President. This is the best Dick Cheney location system on the market. But don't just take our word for it. Listen to our customers.

"A system like these are not to be misunderestimated. Right, Dick?" says one valued customer.

Caution: Warranty may not apply in case of heart attack.

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