Other Recounts Across North America

Joe Lavin's Humor Column

Other Recounts Across North America

December 8, 2000


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Will Sordo of St. Paul, Minnesota has asked for a recount of his actions in his relationship with his live-in girlfriend Debbie Miller. "I believe that when all my actions are taken into account, the positive will far outweigh the negative," Will said during an impromptu press conference from his friend Ben's couch, where he has been sleeping for the last week.

Specifically, Will and his friends have argued that Will did not mean to sleep with that waitress at the rib joint on Broadway. "Since Will was inebriated at the time, he obviously did not fully understand the ramifications of his actions and was confused by the choices offered to him. I believe strongly that walking into that rib joint, he had no intention whatsoever of choosing to cheat on you," Will's friend and representative Jim told Debbie earlier today.

Furthermore, Will is also asking for a full and complete recount of his actions from the month of October when he treated Debbie "real good and hardly flirted with any other chicks at all." He contends that his actions of that month, if further examined, should tip the balance in his favor. "The good deeds were done. Let's count them," he implored Debbie.

Debbie would not comment directly on the issue, though she did take the opportunity to introduce Will to her six-foot-five-neighbor Mike, the current director of her transition.

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In Albany, New York, Arthur Aiken is contesting his speeding ticket of November 11th, claiming, "There's no way that I could have been going 80 miles an hour." Aiken contends that the radar machine used by the police couldn't possibly have been working and that the only fair solution is for the police to recount his speed on another day. "I tell you what. Tomorrow, I'll drive by that same speed trap, and, if I'm speeding then, I'll be happy to pay the ticket," Aiken told Judge Saul Greenberg. "I'm only looking for justice here," he added.

Aiken is also challenging the charge that he was driving illegally on a one-way street at the time. "Those arrows were confusing and could easily have applied to another road," Aiken told Judge Greenberg, who after listening to Aiken for over one hour was busy recalculating his career choice.

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America would like to recount its infatuation with 'N Sync. "I don't know what the hell we could have been thinking, but could you do a recount? We couldn't have bought that many of their albums," a representative said.

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Jerry McLemore of the Multiple Personality Disorder Association is contesting his recent loss in the election for president of that organization. "Yes, it's true that the current count shows me losing by eleven votes. However, if we count the votes of all the personalities of all members of our group, I believe I'll then have more than enough votes to win this election. The personalities have voted. Let's count their votes," McLemore said.

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Shocked to learn that Texas has executed 152 people during his tenure as Governor, George W. Bush has demanded a recount. "I could have sworn we killed more people than that. Go count again," he told a Texas prison official earlier today.

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David Mitchell of Ocean City, Maryland is currently contesting the rejection of his three-dollar rebate from Brawny paper towels. Under the rules of the rebate, Mitchell was to have sent in four UPC's from the back of Brawny packages in order to receive a three-dollar rebate. Mitchell, however, only mailed one UPC.

"You have failed to note that my one UPC was actually from a four-pack of Brawny paper towels and thus should have been counted as four in the final tally," Mitchell wrote in an angry letter to the company. "Therefore, there is no reasonable cause for rejecting my rebate. Please send me my three dollars immediately, or I will be forced to take legal action."

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Elections Canada has recounted the ballots from Canada's November 27th election and arrived at exactly the same number as the first time they counted. "It's funny. We just added them all up and came up with a result. It wasn't that difficult really," spokesperson Pierre Marceau told reporters.

"You know, we have some extra calculators, if anyone down there in Florida needs any," he added helpfully.



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