One in twenty expects to welcome a visitor from another planet.
One in seventeen anticipates that an asteroid will hit the Earth.
One in five believes the Second Coming of Christ is likely to occur.
And one in two were just saying something outlandish in the hopes of being quoted in Verge Magazine.
"Hey, Mom, look! I got quoted in a magazine!"
"Um, it says here that on January 1, 2000 you believe a giant purple cow will descend from heaven and yodel the theme from The Love Boat?"
"Yeah, pretty cool, huh?"
"You know, maybe you ought to talk to someone."
I am being cynical, of course. There are many who think weird things will be happening as we move into the year 2000. Who knows? Maybe they're right. After all, the growing number of militias, separatist movements, and Nike sponsored suicide attempts are probably already a symptom of this fin de sicle (French for "Gosh, I really shoulda paid more attention back in French class") attitude. Nevertheless, I'm not that worried. Sure, a few individuals might go crazy, but I doubt they will be able to join together and do much damage.
Think about it. The moment any group starts planning any destructive act for the new millennium, there's always going to be at least one person in the back saying, "Actually, it's a little known fact that the millennium doesn't start until the first day of 2001." If people can't even agree on when the new millennium begins, then I don't think we have much to worry about. By the time, the bickering ends, it'll be too late for them to do anything.
"Hell, we're already two years into the millennium. Let's just stop arguing and not kill anyone."
"Well, actually, it's a little known fact that we're only one year into the millennium."
"Shuddup!!!!"
One of the bigger problems is coming up with a name for the new decade. The Zeroes, the Aughts, the Nothings, the . . . what? I recently had a survey about this, and hundreds and hundreds of readers (or at least 30) wrote in with suggestions. Many had helpful comments, and I thank them. Other, of course, just sent in outlandish comments in the hopes of getting quoted.
For example, a "Mr. Know-It-All" wrote, "i would like to do anything i can to support the franco-american lunch menu industry. and therefore, i would like to call the next decade the "o's", after spaghettio's." Another wrote, "We won't need to call it anything. God will come and take us all away before the end of the century!" Mark Murphy wanted to call the next decade "Not the Nones, but the Nuns." And finally one other person wrote, "It would be really great if we could download the Mountain Dew commercial from your site." Admittedly, that's not about the next decade, but what the hell. It's outlandish enough for me to mention.
My suggestion was the Zeroes, which according to the latest exit polls has received close to Zero percent support. So much for my plan to name the next decade. Most people objected because it has such pessimistic connotations, and apparently my counter argument of "Well, yeah. That's what so cool about it." wasn't able to win them over.
My favorite suggestion was the Uh-Ohs from Maralyn Pypa. Still, most people suggested some version of either the Aughts, Naughts, or the Naughty Aughts. "Retro is in." One person explained. (The Naughty Aughts was especially popular, because I'm told that some other columnist who actually, like, gets published regularly suggested it in a column about this same subject.)
The other problem is that soon we'll all want to kill ourselves after listening to three more years of media coverage about the new millennium. I can't wait for the Millennium in Review programs. "Tonight, we continue our look back at the millennium. Here's Chuck with a look back at 1276, and - oh - what a year that was!" And you just know somebody like Madonna will get more credit than somebody like Einstein.
"Well, yes, I see your point about Einstein, but I was really impressed by how Madonna was able to redefine herself so much. You know like the Madonna of Vogue was so much different than the Madonna of Like a Virgin."
Also, we'll have to sit by as Time, Newsweek, and every other news organization try to define the next decade and even the next millennium before it happens. I remember becoming sick of the nineties sometime in late 1989 when I had seen the millionth news item on what the nineties would be like. And after listening to Bill Clinton babble on about the Bridge to the 21st Century ad nauseam (Latin for "Gosh, I really shoulda paid more attention back in Latin class too"), I'm already sick of the new millennium.
To be honest, I'm about ready for the 22nd.
©1997 Joe Lavin