Joe Lavin's Humor Column
Web Sites for Guys
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A few weeks back, I was invited to a baptism, and this was my first thought: "Do I have to get something?" Actually, that's a lie. My first thought was: "Can I get out of it?" But when I realized that this wasn't an option, I soon started to wonder if a gift was required. After careful consideration, I finally decided that there was no need at all for me to buy a present, which proves exactly how much a site like this is needed. When friends (by which I mean female friends) heard of my plans to forego a gift, they were aghast, as if I had also suggested that I was planning to attend without pants. It turns out that it is necessary to bring a gift when attending a baptism. Who knew?
A site like this would also come in handy for office parties. For example, when you're deciding whether to bring a case of Old Milwaukee beer or some Jagermeister to your boss' Christmas party, you would simply log onto DoIHaveToGetSomething.com which would promptly tell you that you're an idiot and suggest a nice bottle of wine instead.
Because sometimes guys just have no idea.
Jason, the computer guy at my office, was recently asked to fix our Sage IMac. Now, Jason is a smart guy who can generally fix any computer problem, but he was at a complete loss here. He turned to me with the same expression people use with him when they've just "lost" a document they've been working on all afternoon and asked, "What the heck color is sage?"
Of course, I didn't know. Neither did his intern Jose. In fact, none of the men in the office had the slightest idea. I ventured that it might be close to maroon, but I turned out to be completely wrong. It's basically green, we learned when the nearest woman was able to help. WhatColorIsItReally.com would solve problems like this by taking any color and automatically matching it to the roughly twelve colors that most men know.
You may have noticed that there is a serious dearth of recipe web sites for guys. OneIngredient.com will help fill this void by catering exclusively to men and featuring recipes with one ingredient and one ingredient only. Note: Some recipes may require microwave oven.
Alta Vista has a popular translation site called Babel Fish that can help translate between many different languages. It's not exactly perfect. I use it at work to translate Spanish e-mail, and it tends to return things like, "Thanks for the information we are going to rectify in the bank I deposit and we warned to him." * Nevertheless, usually, you can figure out the general gist of what the person is saying.
What I would like is a similar service that would translate what your girlfriend means by what she says. For example, you would simply type in something like "Fine," and it would return a translation such as, "If you dare try that stunt, I will never sleep with you again." As you can see, something like this could be a tremendously efficient use of the Internet.
Finally, here's the most helpful site of all. It's a simple site really, but, oh, is it needed. Guys would type in whatever it is they did or failed to do, and a trained expert (by which I mean a woman) would determine exactly how much trouble the guy is in and whether a preemptive gift might be advisable. And, hey, considering what you've been up to in the past, I'm guessing that it just might be.
* Actual Spanish translation.
©2003 Joe Lavin