Teenie Beanie Babies Help End Texas Standoff
By delivering several Teenie Beanie Babies to members of the Republic of Texas militia, police were able to bring about a peaceful conclusion to the Texas standoff on Saturday. Police were elated to when they discovered that the separatist group was more interested in obtaining the popular toy than in having a referendum introduced for the sovereignty of Texas.
"They're real perdy." The group's leader Richard McLaren said in a prepared statement just after his arrest. Teenie Beanie Babies have rapidly become a collector's item. McDonald's has been giving away one Teenie Beanie Baby with each Happy Meal. However, due to the extreme demand for the toy, many people, including members of the Republic of Texas, had been unable to obtain the Teenie Beanies.
"We went up to that there MacDonald's up there in El Paso, and they wouldn't give us any." McLaren said. "They said they were all out. Now that's just not right. That's all we wanted. Just some Teenie Beanie Babies. Well, that and the sovereignty of Texas. I don't see why everyone was so upset."
After a shipment of Teenie Beanie Babies was delivered to the front of their compound, McLaren and his followers surrendered peacefully to the police. The surrender was based on the condition that McLaren could keep the Teenie Beanies in his prison cell and that McLaren would be allowed to argue for a referendum on the issue of Texas independence before a federal judge in Washington D.C.
"I specially like Quackers the Duck. That's my favorite." McLaren said. "Though Pinky the Flamingo is also neat."
In a related story, Attorney General Janet Reno ordered FBI troops yesterday to overtake a Washington McDonald's that would not give her a Teenie Beanie Baby with her Happy Meal. An FBI spokesperson declared the operation a success. Sixteen Teenie Beanie Babies were confiscated, along with a Quarter Pounder with Cheese Value Meal for the President.
The majority of the fighting took place in the Playland portion of the restaurant. The FBI admitted that some children were injured in the gunfire and that there were at least two casualties. Several news agencies are reporting that one of those casualties may have been the Hamburgler, a beloved character who has been featured in many McDonald's commercials. An FBI Spokesperson showed no remorse, however. "We've been after him for a long time. He had it coming."
Ronald McDonald could not be reached for comment.
Navigator 147.0 Released
The browser wars continued as Netscape released Netscape Navigator 147.0 this morning at 9 AM. This comes just hours after the Microsoft release of Internet Explorer 147.0. Many industry experts predict that Explorer 148.0 may hit the market as soon as this afternoon.
Navigator 147.0 takes advantage of important multimedia technology that allows Netscape to replace the number 146.0 after the word Navigator with a brand new 147.0. Netscape also promises that Navigator 147.0 will crash twice as often as its predecessor and that it will require six times as much memory. "It is an important new product that no computer user can go without." A Netscape spokesperson said.
Sources indicate that the soon to be released Explorer 148.0 may require even more memory, perhaps as much as 128 megabytes of RAM. "We recommend that all users go out and upgrade as soon as possible." One member of the computer industry said. "Yeah. Upgrading is cool. Only losers don't upgrade." Another member of the computer industry added.
Meanwhile, in other computer news, Apple announced plans to launch an expensive new advertising campaign focusing around its new corporate spokesman Dr. Jack Kevorkian.
Ellen Provides Big Boost for ABC
ABC's coming out episode of Ellen dominated last Wednesday's prime time schedule with a 23.4 rating and 35 share, according to Nielsen. ABC executives were understandably delighted with the performance of Ellen. "The outing of Ellen will go down as a landmark event in television history. Exploring important topics like last night's Ellen did is a vital part of our commitment to public service." An ABC spokesperson said. "Plus we made lots of cash, so that was cool too." He added.
Despite ABC's success, the other networks did manage to counter program effectively. NBC's Must See Test Pattern finished second with a 7.7/12, garnering much critical praise. Variety described Test Pattern as "even better than that thing with Brooke Shields." The show received similar reviews from other critics, and its producers are clearly hoping for a coveted slot in NBC's powerhouse Thursday lineup next year.
CBS' lineup of Walker, Texas Ranger and The Rush Limbaugh Variety Hour also performed admirably, coming in third with a 7.3/10 but easily winning amongst the Gay Bashers 24-49 audience it was gunning for. Fox, however, was able to capture Gay Bashers 18-34 with its showing of The World's Most Scariest Monster Truck Crashes and WWF Wrestling Bloopers. "That's exactly the audience we wanted." A Fox spokesperson said. "You see, younger gay bashers are often less likely to have developed a particular brand affinity. Thus, they are usually more responsive to advertising than the older gay bashers."
American Readers Who Don't Really Give a Damn Stuck Reading Parody of British Election
In the aftermath of last week's stunning Labour landslide in Britain, much has been made of Prime Minister Tony Blair's ties to President Clinton. However, just as important to the results were the Conservative Party's relationship to members of the Republican party here.
"We felt that to insure an effectively disastrous campaign, we had no choice but to study Bob Dole." A Conservative Party insider said. Just as the Labour party studied the Clinton campaign, Conservative Party operatives sat in on strategy sessions during both George Bush's 1992 Presidential campaign and Bob Dole's 1996 campaign. "We learned that it was absolutely essential to portray Mr. Major as being hopelessly out of touch. Otherwise, we could have won." One ousted Tory M.P. said.
"Wow! What a great performance. They lost even more than I did. " Bob Dole told reporters from a Hollywood sound stage where he was filming his latest commercial for Philip Morris.
©1997 Joe Lavin